When Care Misses the Mark: What Non-Empathy Looks Like (and How to Choose Empathy Instead)
“When we focus on ourselves, our world contracts as our problems and preoccupations loom large. But when we focus on others, our world expands. Our own problems drift to the periphery of the mind and so seem smaller, and we increase our capacity for connection — or compassionate action.”
I want to share something that’s been really close to my heart lately. It’s about the difference between non-empathy and true empathy — and how often, without realizing it, we slip into non-empathic responses with the people we care about most. We care so deeply. We want to help. But sometimes, the way we try to empathize ends up disconnecting us from the very person we’re trying to support.
This became very real for me recently when my husband, Josh, had a serious workplace accident. He injured his dominant hand on a crane, and what followed has been months of uncertainty, surgery, and everyday struggles. His work as a grip in film and TV depends entirely on his hands, so this injury didn’t just affect him physically — it shook his sense of identity, livelihood, and independence.
Suddenly, simple things like showering, washing dishes, or carrying groceries became frustrating reminders of what he couldn’t do. And with no clear timeline for healing, the emotional weight grew heavier.
Through all of this, one thing became clear: the way people responded to Josh’s pain and to mine in being his caregiver made all the difference in whether he felt connected and supported — or dismissed and unseen.
Six Common Forms of Non-Empathy
Here are six forms of non-empathy we’ve experienced firsthand. I share these not to judge - because honestly, we all do them - but to invite reflection. See if any of these feel familiar in your own conversations.
1. Storytelling
“Oh, my uncle lost his finger in a saw accident.”
“Someone down the street went through the same thing!”
We share stories to relate, but what often happens is that the attention shifts away from the person who’s hurting. The focus leaves their pain and becomes about someone else’s story.
2. Silver Lining & Minimizing
“At least it wasn’t his whole hand.”
“At least he didn’t lose an arm.”
I can’t even count how many times people have said this to Josh. And here’s the thing: while it’s meant to comfort, what it actually does is shrink the reality of his pain. It makes his experience feel small and less important. It’s not “just a finger.” For someone whose career depends on their hands, this has been life-altering.
3. Advice Giving
“You should talk to my buddy who lost his finger.”
“Try this naturopathic remedy.”
Advice can be powerful — if it’s asked for. But when someone is overwhelmed, what they often need most is to be heard and validated, not handed a to-do list.
4. Comparing Suffering
“Well, it could have been a whole lot worse. Some people lose their whole arm.”
“Others have it so much worse.”
Comparison disconnects us. Pain isn’t a competition. Each person’s struggle is real in its own right, and minimizing it by comparing does the opposite of what we hope it will.
5. Over-Optimism
“It’ll be fine.”
“This is all a big blessing in disguise.”
Positivity is beautiful, but rushing there too quickly can gloss over someone’s very real grief or fear. Sometimes, the most loving thing is to sit in the discomfort alongside them.
6. Dismissal Through Humour
“You’ll have a great story to tell at parties!”
“That’ll be such a cool party trick.”
Humour can lighten up a moment, but if it replaces acknowledgment, it risks erasing the seriousness of what the person is actually feeling.
What Empathy Really Looks Like
So if those are the traps, what does true empathy sound like?
Empathy doesn’t require fixing, comparing, or spinning it into something positive. It’s much simpler - and more powerful.
It can sound like:
“That sounds really scary.”
“I can imagine how much fear and uncertainty this brings for you.”
“I’m here with you.”
Empathy is about presence. It’s letting the other person feel seen, heard, and understood without trying to change their experience. It’s leaning in, instead of rushing to lighten up the vibe or solve the problem.
Something to Carry With You
The next time someone shares something painful with you, pause. Notice your instinct:
Do you want to tell a story?
Offer advice?
Find a silver lining?
Crack a joke?
Instead of jumping in, try taking a breath. Try listening longer. Try acknowledging what’s there, without needing to change it.
Because that’s where real connection lives.
And if you catch yourself slipping into non-empathy (I know because I do all the time), be gentle with yourself. It doesn’t make you bad. It just means you care. And caring gives us the opportunity to grow into even deeper, more meaningful ways of supporting each other.
The Heart of It All
We’re all navigating hard things right now - loss, change, uncertainty, fear. The world feels heavy at times. But empathy is one of the simplest, most healing gifts we can give each other.
It’s not about having the right words. It’s about presence. It’s about saying: “I see you. I hear you. I’m with you.”
That’s how we honour the human experience. That’s how we remind each other we’re not alone.
Waiting for day surgery to amputate part of Josh’s finger at Health Sciences Hospital in St. John’s, NL
And Josh? He’s one of my heroes. Brave, courageous, and such a trooper through all of this. Watching him face the fear, the discomfort, and the uncertainty of this injury has made me prouder than ever. The minutes waiting for his recovery may feel like forever, but we’re moving through it together.
Rozalind MacPhail is an award-winning musician, inspirational speaker and certified life coach based in St. John’s, Newfoundland and Labrador. One of Canada’s most buzzed about Di Zhao sponsored artists, she’s produced numerous solo albums, composed music for film and toured internationally over the last two decades.
